Empathy! It's a Good Thing

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By Russell Turner

Published:
1-May 2006

 

"You just don't understand!" How many times do the parents of adolescents hear those words? Teenagers often feel misunderstood. That's why they often have a circle of friends who are on their same wavelength and with whom they identify. Adolescents seem to flock together to boost their own confidence and sense of identity while they come to grips with the idea of growing up and away from their parents.

Younger children don't have that luxury. When they feel misunderstood they also feel very much alone. Younger children can't ask their playgroup friends if they feel the same way. It just doesn't happen that way. Even if they did talk they couldn't put these feelings into words.

We as parents have to be aware of both situations if we have children that fall into both age groups. My kids are only two years apart but they are a lot farther apart in terms of their emotional needs and their reactions to similar situations. My oldest often goes running to the telephone for the solace of her friends when things don't go her way. My youngest doesn't have that support group yet. She goes to the solace of her room and her things.

This is not a brand new phenomenon in my house; it's just something I'm only now noticing. My older daughter's reactions to setbacks are very predictable. First you have that very dramatic scene of the world as she knows it coming to an end with all of the prerequisite crying and carrying on. The look of daggers shot at you because more often than not you are the cause of this disaster. And finally the picture of her back as she rushes to her room frantically dialing the phone so her support group can kick in and make everything at one with the universe again. I find myself sometimes having difficulty generating a lot of sympathy for her.

It's a completely different scene with my younger daughter. First of all she takes things in stride better than her sister. But when the melt down comes there are no histrionics. It's not show time. This little girl is hurting and she has no one to turn to that she can discuss the unfairness of it all with. Nobody is going to confirm the fact her father is a big jerk for her. She's on her own. That's a much tougher place to be in my opinion especially when you're so young. It also has helped me understand why she gets mad when I call the stuff that completely covers her floor junk. To her it's not junk, it's her source of solace when things are tough, and joy when things are good. But junk, never!

When diabetes causes things in my older daughter's world to fall to pieces it's a different situation. She can't use her usual support group because they don't understand. She's forced to revert back to herself for solace and she's out of practice. Diabetes is the one thing that seems to be slowing my daughter's development down just a little. So far she hasn't been able to separate herself from me to the extent she would like sometimes because her family is still her best source of support for diabetes related problems.

When families live together we all develop an intuitive sense about how each other is feeling. This is called empathy. This is what I am learning right now. By empathizing with my girls I know how they are feeling at a particular time and that it is real for them. This helps them understand that they are not alone or isolated and they know that I'm still there to support them. Remember I said I had some trouble generating sympathy for my oldest? Well I have replaced that sympathy, which is of questionable use in that situation, with empathy.

Empathy is what allows me to stay emotionally connected to my girls no matter what age they are or where they happen to be on the maturity scale at any one time. It allows me to remain relevant and important in their lives, and most of all it helps to keep me king daddy.