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Don't Diabetes. LIVabetes! ®
My Story

Published:
1-June-2005

by Laura Menninger

In August 1998, at the age of thirty-four, I was diagnosed with type I diabetes. From that moment on I knew that not only my life, but how I LIVED it, would never be the same. I had grown up terrified of diabetes, a disease that so often had threatened to take my father's life. Now it was threatening my own. For years I had tried to understand my father's struggles with diabetes. I had observed his daily routines and the constant rituals of "fingersticks," injections, and rigid eating schedules. Needless to say I wasn't particularly comfortable with what I had seen. Like most people, I was afraid of needles. I also wasn't into inflicting pain on myself. Yet, like my father, I too was now destined to become a human pincushion. I knew diabetes was a serious disease that demanded respect. In my eight years as a surgical technologist working in a hospital operating room, I had witnessed many of its devastating effects: blindness, kidney failure, and leg amputations just to name a few. So I decided early on that I would follow its strict rules and be a "good diabetic." Not because I really wanted to, but because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't.

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Motivated by fear, I set out to do it all the right way. I obeyed all of the doctor's orders, followed all the rules to a "T", and did my best to take control of my diabetes. And since there was no cure for diabetes, I figured my best defense would be to educate myself. So I gathered as much information as I could get my hands on. I wanted to learn all that I could about this enemy that had taken up residence in my body and wasn't going to be leaving any time soon.  During the first few months I was extremely self-disciplined. I was counting carbohydrates, doing frequent "fingersticks" to monitor my blood sugar levels, injecting insulin four times a day, and eating at regular intervals. By the end of each day, I was completely exhausted. I quickly realized that managing diabetes was a full- time job (one that was not financially rewarding). It required all of my energy and attention and I was having difficulty trying to integrate diabetes into my "real" life. Besides, I already had a full-time job that paid the bills and I didn't need another one. Yet, I couldn't afford to lose either one. I was left feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, and powerless.

By the spring of 1999 I had been a practicing diabetic for almost eight months. Yet, despite all of my efforts, I wasn't getting any better at it. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried to keep my blood sugar levels within range they were swinging like a pendulum out of control. So were my moods. I was on an emotional roller coaster ride.

I felt discouraged. I felt so confined and restricted. It felt as though I had been imprisoned by the "diabetes police" and was serving a life sentence. It felt so unfair. I resented diabetes for all that it had taken from me, especially my freedom. I was angry, depressed, and descending rapidly into a pit of despair. Although I was surviving, I wasn't really living. Fortunately for me, having been blessed with somewhat of a rebellious spirit, I thrived on a good challenge. I knew diabetes had its limits, but so did I! I was determined to find a way out or at least a way through. I wanted to feel alive again. I wanted to be free again. I wanted to smile and laugh and feel joy again, and I wanted chocolate (without feeling guilty). But most of all, I wanted to enjoy living again. Everything about my life now seemed so uncertain, but there was one thing of which I was sure. I knew that I did not want to live the rest of my life "miserably ever after." I wanted a cure. If not for diabetes, then at least for the despair.

Up until now it hadn't occurred to me that while diabetes was controlling part of my body I didn't have to let it control my attitude. I didn't have to surrender my heart, mind, and spirit to it. And besides, the truth is, diabetes wasn't ruling my life; fear was. More specifically, fear of death. It was through diabetes that I was being forced to confront my greatest fears. And it was becoming clear to me that my fears were actually keeping me from living.

I wanted to get through my fears but how I wondered. I didn't know anything about death. And, I didn't know any dead people that I could get in touch with who had lived that could tell me about their experience. So, I decided to consult a much higher source, as I often did for answers that were out of my realm. And so I prayed. I didn't know if God had diabetes or not, or if God would give me the answers that I wanted. But I hoped God would understand. I was sure that my God must be a chocolate-loving God. So I prayed for hope, for understanding and for a box of sugar- free Yodels to fall from the sky (to celebrate my upcoming one-year anniversary). But really, I wanted answers. Mostly, on how to start living again.

My one-year anniversary with diabetes had come and gone, and although the box of sugar-free Yodels hadn't yet fallen from the sky, much to my surprise inspirations on living suddenly were. (Be careful what you wish for!)

The first one came in the form of a question. Die-a-betes or LIV-a -betes? Shortly thereafter the next one, Could a person be healed but not cured? And then, Could a person be cured, and not healed? As I contemplated the answers, flashes of inspiration kept coming, one after another, day and night.

For the next several months I kept a pen and paper with me at all times, even beside my bed, so that I could record these messages. I didn't know when the great Glucose Goddess sm in the sky would be sending me the next one. It felt like I was taking some sort of dictation, and before I knew it, I had received over 200 messages. Although I wasn't exactly sure who was sending them, I did know that with each one I was beginning to feel more and more alive. I was beginning to feel less afraid, and as a result, more free than I had ever felt before.

I hadn't changed a thing, but these messages were definitely changing me. At the least they were changing my thoughts from death, dying, and diabetes to LIFE, LIVing and LIVabetes ® ! I guess you could say that diabetes was scaring the LIVing back into me. To this day, diabetes continues to be a wise and humbling teacher. It serves as a gentle reminder of the fragility of life by reminding me of What I can live with and what I can't live without.

Thanks to diabetes, I have gained a new appreciation for LIVing. I now live my life with more passion, more joy, more laughter, more enthusiasm, more adventure, more freedom, and more chocolate! My new life continues to unfold that includes diabetes but is not limited by it. My new LIVabetes ® ATTITUDE may not guarantee me a longer life, but it has meant a happier one! And while I may not yet have won the war against diabetes, I am winning my peace with it! LIVE is a verb! Livabetes ® is an ATTITUDE!

For more information, visit the Glucose Goddess sm at www.livabetes.com
© 2004-2005 Laura Menninger All Rights Reserved