When I was younger, way before I ever had children, I was the king of put-downs. I don’t really know why. They just seemed to come out. And they were funny, especially if you weren’t the target. But they were mean. I finally grew up a little and realized that. I sat down and thought about just what a put-down was and what it really did to someone.

A put-down is an unnecessarily negative statement that makes the recipient feel bad about themselves. It damages self-respect and belief in one’s competence. A put-down is a derogatory comment about who someone is or about what they can do. It is a very personal insult often thrown out without any thought as to the kind of damage it can cause. It is important that we consider the damage. Put-Downs humiliate, destroy dignity and self-respect, and blow away a person’s confidence.

Put-Downs create distance between the giver and the receiver. The person being put-down is going to recoil from the insult and humiliation and the person who utters the offending comment establishes the space just by putting themselves in judgment of another.

The problem is put-downs are not always delivered with the intent to hurt someone’s feelings. For me they became almost involuntary. I said them without thinking about their effect on someone. It became a style of conversation and part of my personality.

If we are going to establish a good healthy loving relationship with our children then we must become very aware of certain speech habits we may be using, change the script, and write the put-down out of it completely.

Why are children so vulnerable to put-downs? Children have fewer opportunities outside the home to meet people who will give them independent feedback about how likable they are. What is said to a child at home has a huge impact on them because it is said by the people who they love and trust most in the world.

Changing the way we say things is not very easy. We have to want to. Then we need look at the process step by step. First we need to feel the impact that put-downs have on our children and others. Think about the last time someone put you down. It may have made you feel one or more of several emotions, none of them pleasant. Why would our children feel any different?

We also need to recognize different types of put-downs. Criticisms are a form of judgment. A child who is subjected to constant criticisms gets a couple of different messages. Not only are they a disappointment but also who they are and what they do are unacceptable. There are also “straightjacket” terms. This is when a person is locked into a role such as “you always” or “you will never”. Blame, sarcasm, and ridicule are all forms of criticism.

Once we become aware of some of the forms of put-downs we may possibly be using we need to stop the put-down before it even starts and use more positive phrases to get our point across. A couple of examples might go like this:

You’re useless. Why are you so useless? This might become It wasn’t such a good idea to clean your boots without covering the floor. I can’t take you anywhere might become I don’t like how you behave when we go out. I know you can do better than that. And finally, Why are you always bothering me could come out as Now’s not a good time. I’ll listen better after dinner.

Like all changes, this takes practice. It won’t happen overnight. But if it is a habit, it is worth recognizing and changing. We all love our children and would never intentionally cause them pain.

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Put-Downs, They Can Really Hurt By Russell Turner

Put-Downs, They Can Really Hurt
By Russell Turner