The Seven Stages of Parenthood

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By Dr. Noel Swanson

Published:
1-December-2005

Phase 1: The thought that gives you goosebumps.
Your biological clock ticks away and prompts you
to smile at every cute baby face you see. Should you
start a family of little ones? This tickles your
curiosity as you love to "make" babies.

Phase 2: Heavy with Child
The missed period - am I, aren't I? Soon confirmed by the
morning trips to the bathroom to meet with you new
acquaintances Ralph and Huey. But it is all worth it when
you feel that first flutter - was that a kick? Was that
his, you-know, on the ultrasound?
A few months later and you know all about those kicks - and
the elbows. Plus backache, piles, swollen ankles, varicose
veins - who was responsible for getting you into this
state????
Wow - was that you swearing like a trouper? Puff puff, pant
pant, "you *****ing *****, I'm never **** going to **** with
you again! Oh, Oh, Oh, Ah... isn't she sweet? let's see.
ten fingers, ten toes, Oh she's just perfect, isn't she,
darling?"

Stage 3: Your life has changed forever.
Sleep is a long lost art. Your nipples kill and you are
can't stand the endless dieting. Despite the discomfort
your baby is worth every moment. She smiles at discovering
her little toes. She tastes them. You get the bottle
because she must be hungry.
A long list of first time events unfolds. She sits,
crawls, stands, and walks to you all on her own.
She can eat solid food and go to the potty. You are filled
with immense pride. That is, until she has a tantrum, but
the tantrum is only temporary.
The television takes place of fun, stories and games.
Your baby hits the academic world. You know she is ready,
but will miss her.

Phase 4 Playgrounds, parties and alphabets.
How fast they change from being cuddly babies to young,
independent, school kids. In some English private schools
they even wear a uniform with cap and tie (for the boys)!
Toilet jokes - everything and anything to do with pooping
and peepee is absolutely hilarious!
Their first best friend, and first rejection. Scraped knees
in the playground. And, of course, their first "it's not fair!"
How hard it is to let them go - but you can't protect them
from everything.

Stage 5: She hits the books.
The subject of play turns to math and english. She is
a good student, but some students are not. You are lucky
to have a smooth academic experience ahead of you.
She can be tough to deal with, but she is sweet when she
asks for a pony for Christmas.
The temptation to baby her strong, but you remember she
needs to do her chores.

Phase 6: Almost a teenager
They hit puberty and their body will be changing every day.
The girls hang with the girls and the boys hang with the
boys. Girls are too silly for boys. Girls think boys are
not mature.
Your fashion sense will be out of style no matter what.
No one wears the clothes you have in your wardrobe and
your daughter will point this out to you. You will wonder
what fashion icon your child is emulating.
Lingo changes from what you said when you were her age.
The training bra and makeup come on. Puberty wreaks havoc
on voices.

Phase 7: They hit the social scene.
Boys and girls discover the attraction to each other.
They wonder if anyone has a crush on them.
Your daughter has become the authority on everything.
You have somehow become the student.
Parents are not cool while friends are the top of their
social list. Your daughter wants to stay out late with
friends. Can't you just be a cool mom and let her stay
out until 3am?
Special moments arise when you can have a great
discussion with your young adult child. Just make sure
you listen and don't sound like a teacher.
Your daughter becomes an adult. She is back to talking
with you and tells you about her life dreams. She is
ready to tackle the world.

Stage 8: (The rest of your lives.)
Your daughter has moved out of the house to start a family
of her own. Does she need help? Should you call her?
You will always love your children no matter what.
Life is short. Enjoy moments with your children whenever
you can.

Dr. Noel Swanson is a child psychiatrist who specializes in
child behaviour problems. He has a fascinating website with
lots of parenting help that is well worth a visit, and also a must-read
book, The GOOD CHILD Guide.