You're Grounded for the Rest of Your Life -- and There's No Appeal

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By Jimmy Patterson

Published:
1-April-2006



Parenting: It's all the proof we need, really, that totalitarianism is alive and well in America .

To some people, it's known as grounding. To others, it's authoritarian rule, pure and simple. Whatever you choose to call it, grounding is one of those things that sets parents apart from all other human beings. If we don't like something, we have the unquestioned authority to ground in whatever way we see fit.

We can send a kid to his room, keep a daughter off the phone for a week, prevent a child from playing outside or stop our kid from checking his or her e-mail. (See, there IS something good about new technology: it allows parents to be even MORE creative when punishing their children.)

Personally, my favorite grounding is: "I'LL GROUND YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!" Such an edict does not require details. It is not necessary to tell a child that you will, for instance, ground him from playing outside for the rest of his life. He need only know that he will be punished for as long as you both shall live. Honestly, I think deep down inside the child knows Dad cannot legally or logistically ground him FOREVER, but threatening a child with such long-term punishment leaves just one lasting impression: Dad ain't foolin' around.

If a kid stops and thinks about it, he'll soon figure out that when he is grown and 25, chances are Mom and Dad won't care if he goes outside and rides his tricycle. So, perpetual punishment is more just an exercise in theatrics for most parents. In fact, it's probably why children start rolling their eyes.

I suppose Mrs. P and I have been lucky, but we've never had any of our children tell us they'd like to appeal a sentence we've handed down to them. I feel fairly confident that there have been a few instances in some far away country (or maybe California ) where children have actually stood up to a punishment delivered by Mom and Dad.

Here's hoping lawyers stay away from our children and don't some day, when short on clients, run up to a kid and say, "Y'know, you don't have to take this. Legally you have a right to question just exactly WHY you can't sleep with Buzz Lightyear tonight."

Hey, it could happen. This is America , after all.

Recently, a kid in my daughter's math class came home FOUR HOURS LATE. The kid's punishment was the loss of phone privileges for a week. Two nights into his punishment, the kid tells his Mom he needs help with math homework. So Mom gets on the phone and calls our house and starts asking my kid about algebra homework. The Mom on the other end of the phone then relays my kid's advice to her boy. It's a good thing our kid wasn't grounded from the phone that particular week: Neither Mrs. P or I know enough about algebra to even be conversational about it, much less ask questions and relay anything that resembles help to our kid, who is vastly more intelligent than we are when it comes to algebra.

I personally feel the mother who placed the phone call for her son should be grounded herself. Maybe she should have to drive her husband's car for a week.

A couple of months ago, we had to hand a down a particularly harsh sentence to one of our own. We were forced to punish her for actually taking a shower. I know, I know, it sounds a little rough, but before you jump to conclusions, allow me to explain.

She was late getting out of bed on a school morning, not at all a rare occurrence. The Patterson Family ByLaws (Page 34, Paragraph 7, Section 2) state, "If you don't make it in the shower by 6:20 a.m. on school mornings, you're out of luck, bud. You go to school dirty."

So on this morning, our daughter walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower water at 6:24 a.m. -- a clear violation of the shower rule. Not a violation itself, but we told her if she continued with the shower idea, we would be forced to take action. When given the opportunity to decide: shower and face the consequences, or no shower and be free, she opted for the latter. She said she would rather be grounded from the phone for several days instead of face the notion of going to school dirty. So it was actually her decision to be grounded (which proves democracy is alive and well even where authoritarianism is the predominant form of governing).

It's probably better for all concerned that she did choose to shower and do without the phone for a week. Had she chosen to go to school dirty and smelly, her friends probably wouldn't have called her anyway.

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