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Rusty's Ramblings

Published:
1-August-2005

Hitting the Wall

Well, it finally happened. A couple of days ago my family hit the diabetes wall. You know, that wall where you just can't take it anymore. Individually we've brushed the wall a few times over the years. I have tried to be very vigilant, ever since I first realized just how crazy daily diabetes management can make you, to be sure that my girls, Kari and Kristin as well as myself, don't let diabetes get the upper hand. This time we all hit the wall and we all hit it together. We melted down in three-part harmony. As we lay there in a tangle of tears, body parts, and rage I was sure I would never be able to put us all back on track again. When you're a parent you get used to shouldering the burden. When the burden includes diabetes it can drive you to your knees.

It all started a couple of softball games ago. Both my girls play Little League Fast Pitch Softball. They're both very good. This year they both finally play at the same complex. Different fields, but at least I don't have to be at two different ends of town at the same time anymore. It was to be Kristin's pitching debut. She had been excited all week. We had been practicing in the back yard all spring and she looked like no one was going to be able to touch her. This little girl can fire a softball. The night of Kristin's debut Kari also had a game. This usually means running back and forth between fields to watch them both. We had agreed for this night, I would watch all of Kristin's game while she was on the mound. The problem was that Kari's blood sugar numbers had been squirrely all day. Sure enough, Kristin is throwing her warm up pitches and one of Kari's teammates comes running up to me panting that Kari doesn't feel good. She can hardly drag herself off the field. Kristin can see me talking to this girl and she knows what's about to happen. I'm going to miss seeing her pitch because of Kari's diabetes. There's nothing I can say to her as I turn to leave but I can see the tears starting all the way from the bleachers.

With a broken heart I run over to where Kari is sitting on the bench. She's got her kit open and her meter in her hand. Sure enough she's low. She's also in tears because she knows she can't go back out on the field until her blood sugar comes back up. She's the starting third baseman and a clutch hitter and she thinks that without her, her team can't win. Sure enough her team is getting shelled. They wouldn't have had a prayer with three Kari's out there that night but I couldn't tell her that. Add to that her blood sugar numbers aren't coming up very fast, she's not responding to glucose tablets. I have to take her off the bench and move her into the shade. She's sobbing, crushed and furious.

I get Kari settled and run back to Kristin's game. I'm too late; she's over on the bench with her head in her hands, crying. She had had her heart set on me watching her. She wanted to make me proud. She had gotten so upset that I wasn't going to be able to watch that she couldn't find the plate. She walked in six runs. That's ten batters in a row. They have a mercy rule and they had to invoke it to get out of the inning. She's sobbing, crushed and furious as well. The coach isn't going to let her pitch again. Needless to say both girls' teams got slaughtered that night.

On the ride home I tried to console both of them. It's only one game I told them. You win some you lose some. I tried to tell them that I was proud of their effort. I used all of the clichés that the dad uses in that Lifesavers commercial. They didn't want to hear it. Once again diabetes had reared its ugly head and ruined everything. They were inconsolable. They were mad at the world and especially at diabetes. Kristin was mad at her sister for having it, and mad at me for missing her game. Kari was mad at her sister for being mad at her, as well as being mad that she had diabetes, and she was mad at me for not letting her play. I was mad at both of them for not feeling better because I was trying so hard to make them feel better. I was also mad at myself for being mad at them. And I was mad at diabetes for causing this whole mess to begin with. Between the anger and the tears it was a miserable ride home. When we got home all I could do was sit there with a girl in either arm and listen while they sobbed, and told me how much they hated diabetes. You can imagine how helpless and powerless I felt. I hated diabetes too. After awhile we all calmed down.

Since then Kari's numbers have been pretty good. We have all gotten some perspective on that night and don't dwell on it. We understand that sometimes diabetes is going to get in the way but for the most part we make it conform to our life, not the other way around. For now, we're all keeping a sharp eye on the wall.

Kristin's coach, who is a wonderful man, understood the problem and has scheduled her to pitch again. They won't be able to touch her.

Trying to raise two good sports,

Rusty